A few days ago, I had a short heart to heart talk with my husband. I had a confession to make.
Jeff and I got married in 2012 after dating for a year and a half. It was quite a whirlwind romance, as we got engaged very quickly. It is true that you will learn so many things about your partner when you live with them. I discovered that he snores so loud, that his fart is super (!!!), and that horror movies makes him anxious.
We had a hard time conceiving, but we finally did in 2014. I gave birth to our wonderful miracle baby Taglet that year. He was crazy over him. He didn’t want to go to the office just to be with our son. He was my number 1 fan and supporter when it comes to exclusively breastfeeding our son. He gave in to every single (crazy) thing that I wanted to try, like cloth diapering and baby wearing.
But 2016 was different. I became different. I got a job after our son turned one and it changed me. It paid me a lot of money and gave me so much pressure and stress as well. Since I was earning quite a lot, Jeff thought it would be a good idea to shift to freelancing. It was a rough few months for us, but we did it. After six months, he was back on track. I, on the other hand, juggled being a full time breastfeeding mother and a corporate slave, while doing my web designing and fabric printing gig on the side.
I was doing a lot of things, but Jeff was cool with that. That meant more money for me to buy all the skincare and makeup and bags that I want. But I got so tired. So tired that I would always argue with him. I would see all the little things that he does that irritates me. Like his snoring, his lack of talent in pacifying our son, his forgetfulness. I always picked fights. Even the smallest ones.
One day I was ranting over the phone to my mom, and she gave me the greatest marriage advice just by asking a few questions.
“Nambababae ba sya? Sinasaktan ka ba nya? Hindi ka ba nya binibigyan ng pera? May bisyo ba sya? Hindi ka ba nya mahal? Kung hindi, eh anong problema mo?”
I knew the answer. Jeff was the perfect husband.
If he had a vice, it was buying me everything that I want – Star Wars toys, bags, makeup, jewelry. And loving me and my son. And constantly checking air fares for our next trip. And dreaming with me nonstop. He’s got big dreams for us. For him and me and our son.
I suddenly felt awful for all the fights I’ve picked. For all the grim faces I’ve made at him. For all the hate words I’ve said or thought of saying. (BRB crying now T_T). I knew it stressed him so much when I wouldn’t talk to him the whole day just because he forgot to pick our son’s diaper. He never got angry at me. Not once. He told me sometime ago that he never gets angry at me because he loves me and my faults. I am such an evil person for doing this to him.
I got reminded of what the priest told us during our wedding day. “WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE BREAKING UP, REMEMBER THIS DAY. REMEMBER YOUR WEDDING DAY AND WHAT TOOK YOU HERE.”
A few days ago, I came across a note that he wrote on Christmas day. He noted, “And last, especially not the least, I’m thankful for Joy. She was the light at the end of my long, dark tunnel, living proof that God knows what’s best for me, that trusting Him is the ONLY way to go.”
Damn, I was this man’s dream come true and I was tormenting him for the past couple of months just because I was so fcking tired.
(BRB, crying some more T_T)
And so I had to rewire my brain and rearrange my priorities. I had to let go of one of my jobs — the highest paying yet the most tiring one — so I can focus on what’s important. I realized that I was tired because I was doing so many things and I didn’t really have to. We didn’t need a lot of money. We just need enough. I had to sit down and reflect on what was happening to me. I was getting depressed because I was so tired and I thought I was the only one doing everything, but in fact, I have a trustworthy nanny who takes care of our son. Jeff didn’t know how to take care of kids because before having Taglet, there was no kid around in their lives. He snores, and I think we need a long term solution for that. He’s not lazy, he just gets sleepy easily (we think it’s gluten haha!).
So now after all these craziness, I love my husband more than ever. I love what we have now, what we’ve made the past six years. I always go back to where we started and keep thanking the Lord for giving me an amazing man to spend the rest of my life with. God, I still don’t know what I did in this lifetime to deserve Jeff!
A single write up about him won’t be enough to honor him, but here’s to my wonderful husband for keeping up with my insanity. Thank you for everything, Jeff. You are my rock and my anchor that keeps me grounded. And my wings that makes me soar high. I will forever thank the Lord for you. I love you!